


As Long As You're Cool With It

by vizzie1



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, But They End Up Not Having Sex, Considering The Sex Step, Conversations, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I Will Never Not Laugh At That Phrase, Insecurity, M/M, Overuse Of Hyphens- And Ellipses..., Starts With The Last Malec Scene of S02E07, Thinking About Consent, Tried To Portray Malec As The Lovely People We Want To Keep Seeing Them As
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 02:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9798725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vizzie1/pseuds/vizzie1
Summary: "Magnus decides to give this beautiful shadowhunter every bit of pleasure and care that he deserves, setting aside his own reservations. Like he had told Maia, he's used to risking either his emotional or physical well-being for the benefit of others. At least Alec cares about him in return."Alec is ready to take "the sex step," but Magnus is feeling too vulnerable.No actual non-con, but still could be triggering for some. Proceed with caution.





	

**Author's Note:**

> After S02E07 triggered my PTSD, I figured I'd write some angsty sht. I wasn't really planning on getting into writing in this fandom, but the ep has had me effed up all week, so I'm hoping that just writing down some of this stuff will get it out of my brain. Or at least bring everyone else down with me. (jk...maybe) It actually turned out with a much more positive ending than I was planning when I started the fic. Thank goodness for fics having minds of their own.
> 
> All the standard disclaimers: I don't own Shadowhunters or TMI or anything and am making no money on this. Also, it's not beta-d, so all mistakes are mine. Sorry.
> 
> In regards to ratings, warnings, and tagging, I've tried my best to tag everything that needs tagging, but I'm not perfect, so let me know if I need to update the tags and stuff in any way.
> 
> Please be kind. Love to y'all <3

Magnus has barely opened the door when Alec is striding inside, looking around hastily and asking about Jace. Next thing he knows, Alec’s hands are on his face and Alec’s lips are on his lips, kissing him with a passion that is new for them. Confused about the reason behind the change, Magnus gently pushes Alec away.

“Hey, what’s this all about?” Magnus asks, breathless from the intensity of the kiss. It’s been a long time since he’s kissed someone he was romantically interested in- it’s been a long time since he’s let himself have romantic interest at all- so kissing Alec seems like bliss. “I mean, I’m not complaining, but-“

“I-“ Alec responds, smiling, “I just thought. You know, I just thought we could take the next step.”

Magnus’s smile dims, looking a little uncomfortable as he looks up at his boyfr- at Alec. With a pat on the arm and a small grimace, Magnus confirms, “The sex step.”

“Yeah,” Alec answers, barely even breathing, like he’s been paused, ready to pick right back up where they left off.

Magnus shakes his head at this innocent shadowhunter, so eager and so adorably naïve. “Alexander, I may be experienced, but…” Magnus takes a breath, thinking back to his conversation with Maia. He finally feels cared for romantically after so long alone. “It’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone, and…I worry that once we…”

He goes quiet, getting even more uncomfortable. He’s not sure if it’s too soon to call it _making love_ , because that’s what he desperately wants for them, that’s what they both deserve. He distances himself, as if the physical space can protect his emotions, hoping his hesitancy won’t be taken the wrong way as he continues, “…that if we rush into this...” He turns back to face Alec,” that I may lose you.”

With all of Alec’s insecurities, the shadowhunter isn’t understanding that Magnus has insecurities, too- quite a lot, actually, when it comes to relationships. This is confirmed as Alec asks, “What? Why would you think that?”

As flattering as it is that Alec thinks so highly of the warlock that it doesn’t even cross his mind that his 17,000 exes didn’t all feel the same, it’s also frustrating and disappointing for Magnus, who needs Alec to stop putting him on a pedestal. He sighs, “Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable.”

And he does feel vulnerable. Even more so than usual in this moment. He hadn’t been wanting to let Alec know how much power the younger man has over him, how much he means to him, how fragile he feels with him, but he needs Alec to understand his hesitancy, why he wants to wait. This next step is one they haven’t talked about at all, haven’t even been leading up to yet. It’s feeling a bit rushed and overwhelming, and Magnus hasn’t had the chance to understand his own feelings around the idea, much less Alec’s, and he’s not sure he can take the heartbreak that seems all too likely if they aren’t both completely sure they’re ready for sex.

Disconcertingly dedicated to this relationship, Magnus is more than willing to wait, knowing it will be worth it. Expecting a conversation, a necessary heart-to-heart, he’s thrown off-kilter when Alec closes the space between them predatorily, forcing him to start stepping backwards and making him feel even more emotionally defenseless. “Magnus, you have nothing to worry about,” Alec says as he grabs the older man’s shirt, “I want this.”

Without a second to think, Magnus suddenly has Alec’s lips on his, as the shadowhunter continues to push Magnus backward in what is becoming increasingly apparent is the direction of the bedroom.

Out of newly-developed instinct and a genuine appreciation for kisses shared with Alec, Magnus begins to respond to the kiss, but his head is still whirling. Alec should know better than almost anyone that being told that you shouldn’t feel a certain way isn’t actually able to change the way you feel, even if you logically agree. But additionally, Magnus _doesn’t_ actually know that he shouldn’t worry about his relationship with Alec. As much as he’d like to think the young shadowhunter wouldn’t hurt him, they’ve only been on a few dates, and Magnus learned with Camille that he can’t really trust his ability to judge someone in that way. So, it’s not surprising that he’s still not feeling ready to take “the sex step” with Alec, as much as he wishes he was.

Bringing his awareness back to the present, Magnus realizes that they’ve made it to the bedroom door. While they continue kissing, Alec has his eyes closed, which the warlock is relieved about, knowing that the shadowhunter isn’t able to see the look of confusion and concern Magnus hadn’t even realized he was making.

But Alec- his expression is a mix of desire and giddiness, and Magnus feels his heart soften and the tension in his shoulders relax; he is so gone on this boy. Magnus starts kissing back with passion and fervor, thinking that maybe he can suppress his worries and hesitancy if he just focuses on how much he lo- cares about Alec. But that just makes it worse, reminding him how much he has to lose if this all goes wrong. And in that moment, Magnus knows. He knows he isn’t ready. He knows he wants to wait. He knows even as the High Warlock of Brooklyn he can’t erase his own insecurities.

Stunned out of his thoughts as his back hits the bed, Magnus notices that his shirt has already been mostly unbuttoned. Alec joins him on the bed, holding his body over Magnus’s and intertwining their legs. Magnus can tell that Alec is hard, but Alec doesn’t notice that Magnus isn’t. Or maybe he’s just too inexperienced to recognize the warning sign in that.

Magnus isn’t sure what the younger man sees in his expression, but it must not be reflecting his inner turmoil, as Alec runs a hand through Magnus’s hair. The hand remains to caress the side of his head as Alec says in a lust-filled voice, “You’re amazing Magnus. I want this so much. I want _you_ so much.” Then, he dips his head to begin kissing along Magnus’s neck.

Glad Alec can’t see his face now, Magnus is overwhelmed by emotions and his eyes fill with tears. He feels so lucky to have this incredible man in his life, always surprising him and filling him with emotions he thought he’d never experience again. While Alec squeezes his upper arm and sucks on a sensitive spot behind his ear, Magnus decides to give this beautiful shadowhunter every bit of pleasure and care that he deserves, setting aside his own reservations. Like he had told Maia, he’s used to risking either his emotional or physical well-being for the benefit of others. At least Alec cares about him in return. And it’s not like having sex with his boyf- Alec was a hardship.

When Alec runs his hand up Magnus’s thigh and grabs at the button on his pants, the warlock can’t help but shiver. Alec notices and smirks at what he thinks is a sign of desire, and Magnus breaks. Realizing that he can’t just deny how uncomfortable he is and how deceitful he’d have to be to continue like this, he knows that he can’t allow Alec’s first time- _their_ first time- to be like this, before he’s definitely ready.

Magnus removes Alec’s hand from his waistband and holds it in his own. “I can’t,” he whispers, sadness and guilt appearing on both his face and Alec’s.

Confused, Alec squeezes the older man’s hand and whispers back, voice full of emotion, “Mags…You don’t have to worry about losing me. I want this.”

A soft smile appearing briefly at the new nickname, Magnus replies, “…But I don’t, not yet. Someday- someday soon even, but not tonight.”

Alec moves to sit beside Magnus, still holding his hand, but looking a bit like he was just punched in the gut. “Is this about me being a virgin, inexperienced?”

“No, Alexander,” the warlock responds quickly and firmly, finally using a full voice instead of a whisper. “I told you that didn’t matter to me, and I meant it.”

“Then…did I do something?” Alec starts sounding so hurt and insecure.

Magnus shifts to sit in front of the younger man. “No- Well, yes,” he sees a flash of horror in Alec’s eyes, so he quickly continues, “But you did nothing _wrong_. You have awoken emotions in me I thought were permanently gone. You make me feel so alive and so…happy,” he says with a grin and a playful shrug. “I know that we both really want to make this relationship work, but I also know that we _both_ have moments of doubt, we _both_ have moments of insecurity,” he sighs. “…You saw how I was around Camille…”

Alec’s eyes darken and his jaw tenses in anger, making Magnus smile at his protective shadowhunter, his guardian angel. He continues, “I’ve been hurt a lot throughout my 400 years, and it’s left scars. And I know you’re not going to hurt me on purpose, but this is so new and already so intense…” He looks Alec directly in the eyes. “You understand, right? Why I’m worried?”

“Yes,” Alex sighs, the heaviness of the conversation weighing on him. “Is there- is there anything I can do…?” he asks with such honest concern.

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus places his free hand on Alec’s face, stroking his cheekbone. “You being _you_ is all I want. What I said on our first date was true. You are different, and it’s a good thing.” Then he pauses, tilting his face down as it starts to show worry again. The silence stretches long enough to be uncomfortable, and Alec is about to ask Magnus what’s wrong when the warlock looks back at Alec and asks, “You’re not upset, are you?” When Alec looks confused, Magnus explains, “You know…that we didn’t…” and he slightly nods his head towards the pillows.

“ _Magnus_ ,” Alec cries, looking even more devastated than the warlock. “No, Magnus. Why would I- How could I- No,” he says definitively. “I’m so sorry I made you think I would be upset, and I’m sorry if you felt like I was pressuring you…I would never-“ He takes a breath, running his hands over his face. “ _I’m_ ready. To have sex. With you. When _you_ are ready, too- whenever that is. I’ve gone twenty years without sex,” Alec smiles playfully, receiving a smile from Magnus in return, “I can wait some more.”

The centuries-old warlock can’t help but beam at the amazing young shadowhunter before him, wondering how he got so lucky. “You never cease to amaze me, Alexander.”

Alec beams back, eyes full of gratitude and lo- care. He starts to lean down toward Magnus, but pauses halfway, uncertainty flashing across his face.

Magnus lets out a short laugh, moving his hand to the back of Alec’s neck, “Come here, shadowhunter,” he teases as he pulls him in for a kiss.

As they both move back, they are glowing with happiness. Alec isn’t having sex tonight like he expected, but this…this is more than enough. And knowing that is more than enough for Magnus.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from 'Me & U' by Cassie:
> 
> "I was waiting for you to tell me you were ready.  
> I know what to do, if only you would let me.  
> As long as you're cool with it, I'll treat you right.  
> Here is where you wanna be."


End file.
